Life

To My Ectopic Baby

to-my-ectopic-baby

Blippy,

I’m sorry that’s the name we gave to you, but that’s all we’ve ever known you as. A blip on an ultrasound lodged in my right tube.

Except, you are so, so much more than that.

If only you had traveled just a few inches south, you’d be nestled and growing safely in my womb right now.

I know you’ll never get the chance to read this, but I just want to document how important you are to your father and me.

I will never forget the day that I found out about you. It was one of the best days of my life. The most surreal experience I’ve ever had.

Your father and I prayed for you for well over a year. I often dreamt about the day I’d see those two pink lines and finally read the word “pregnant.”

When we least expected it, you made your entrance into our lives. Such a blessing. I will NEVER forget your father’s face when I told him the news.

Your dad would place his hand on my tummy every night and pray over you. I am SO sorry we couldn’t keep you safe.

I would do ANYTHING to protect you. Unfortunately, I couldn’t protect you from this.

At first, I contemplated letting you grow in my tube but quickly learned that if I did, we both wouldn’t survive.

The day we found out we would never bring you home, was the worst day of our lives.

I often wonder what you would grow to look like, and how your voice would sound. Are you a boy or a girl? Do you have strong facial features like your father? My green eyes?

As I write this, I feel you in my right tube. Feeling this tubal pain every second of the day brings me joy and utter despair all at the same time.

It’s been three weeks now and the doctor says that the drug is finally working.

How an itty bitty baby like you could double in size and fight a chemo drug twice, is beyond me.

You’re definitely a Roh – a fighter.

I just want to thank you. Thank you for bringing me immense joy by coming into this world. You have brought your father and me closer in unimaginable ways. Your short life will completely shape the way that l love, protect, and cherish your siblings to come.

I can’t wait until the day I get to meet you, my angel. I find comfort in knowing you will never know the pain and sorrows of this world.

I will remember you every day of my life.

I love you with all of my being,

Your mom.

 

 

This song has brought me some comfort over the last few weeks. <3

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Chelsea Roh

2 Comments

  1. JayeAnn Smith
    November 30, 2018 at 3:09 pm

    Love you, sweet girl! I am so sorry for this heartbreak. Thank you for valuing your unborn baby’s life, no matter how brief. All things will be mad whole when we get home to heaven. Meanwhile, the Father promises to hold us through our tears.

  2. Hoff
    December 16, 2018 at 1:23 pm

    Beautifully written, Chelsea.

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